


Find Yourself

by agentmarvel



Category: Actor RPF, American (US) Actor RPF, Captain America (Movies) RPF, Gossip Girl RPF, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF, The Covenant (2006) RPF
Genre: Angst, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Love Confessions, Mutual Pining, Pining, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2019-02-09 19:45:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12895386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agentmarvel/pseuds/agentmarvel
Summary: The worst part of getting blackout drunk is the inability to recall certain things. Things like how and when you got home, where you left your phone, why do you still have your heels on, and who the fuck thought it was a good idea to let you get so inebriated that you thought it’d be swell to sleep with your best friend.





	Find Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Find Yourself by Great Good Fine Ok/Before You Exit  
> Please listen to it before or while reading.

The worst part of getting blackout drunk is the inability to recall certain things. Things like how and when you got home, where you left your phone, why do you still have your heels on, and who the fuck thought it was a good idea to let you get so inebriated that you thought it’d be swell to sleep with your best friend.

That’s the situation you’ve found yourself in…

When you woke up the morning after the premiere, the first thing you noticed was the migraine. You’d fully expected that with as much as your drank. A continuous stream of drinks kept coming your way, and you couldn’t seem to justify saying no. You’d lost track after the sixth or seventh Crown Apple and 7-Up placed in front of you. It was a surprise you weren’t covered in a rainbow of vomit with all the colorful drinks you’d downed…

The second thing you noticed was the pang of protest from your muscles when you tried to stretch. Typically, after a night out, your legs from calf to foot would be a bit sore from all the walking and dancing, your throat would be a tad sore from trying to talk over the music and other patrons, and your neck would be a little sore from all the movement. But the tenderness that morning wasn’t in the usually places. Instead, your back ached, your hips ached, your thighs ached…

And the third thing you noticed was the arm slung over your hip. You could feel someone else’s soft, warm breaths against the back of your neck. They came in a steady rhythm, matching with the feeling of their chest pressing against your back. If the tender muscles and extra body weren’t inclination enough, the boxers thrown over the lamp sure gave it away. Someone had come home with you last night, and you were unquestionably certain that you’d definitely had sex with them.

Cautiously, so not to disturb the other party just yet, you lifted the arm off your hip to slide out before placing it back against the empty mattress. Snagging a t-shirt off the floor, you tugged it on before toeing off your heels beside the bed. It wasn’t your shirt, but it had a familiar scent… That instilled a bit of fear as to who was in your bed, and you had to summon every ounce of courage in your body to look behind you. No sooner than you did, you immediately wished you hadn’t.

The man in your bed was absolute perfection. From the light dusting of dark hair across his chest to the curves of his muscles, from the tousled, wavy mop of dark hair on top of his head to the razor sharp cut of the jaw line hidden beneath his well-groomed beard, there were no flaws. Not a single one. Not on the outside, not on the inside.

You knew this man well. Better than most, considering he’s been your best friend since the two of you were 16. Oh, you fucked up big time…

Without a sound, you made your way into the bathroom. You turned your shower on, adjusting the temperature before you stripped the t-shirt off and stepped in. The heat of the water stung with a friendly remind that, despite how hard you wished, you definitely were not still asleep.

How did this happen? You’d been drunk with Sebastian more than your fair share of times, and this had never happened before. There were nights a far cry worse than this in the past, but at no point had the next morning come with a feeling this bad. Even the worst hangover of your life paled in comparison to how shitty you felt.

And if you felt this bad, how would Sebastian feel? Would the two of you be able to move forward with your friendship, or would this complicate things?

The thought of losing him over this threw your emotions into overdrive, and before you even realized it, tears were streaming down your cheeks, mixing with the water and dropping to the floor. You stifled a sob against your palm and sniffled, praying to whoever’s listening that you were being quiet enough not to wake Seb.

After what felt like an hour, you finally managed to drag yourself out of the shower, dry off, and slip the t-shirt back on. Now the familiar scent was all _too_ familiar…

With your red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks, you moved into the kitchen, hoping coffee and painkillers would help right your mind. But halfway through your fourth cup, you heard bare feet plodding down the hallway. Your heart leapt into your throat, and suddenly, you couldn’t breathe.

When he rounded the corner into the living room, you couldn’t look at him. You just stayed curled up in the corner of the couch, clutching your favorite mug. He didn’t say anything for a while, just sat on the other end of the couch with his forearms perched against his thighs. Fortunately, he’d put his slacks back on and his button down hung open on his torso. His hair was slightly less messy, like he’d attempted to comb it down with his fingers. Even like this, he was still perfection, and that just made you feel worse.

Finally, he broke the silence.

“Did… Did we-?”

“Yeah,” you answered just barely above a whisper. He scrubbed a hand over his beard, nodding minutely. The expression on his face was nothing short of confusion, and it was a bit frightening.

“I-I didn’t hurt you, did I? Do you feel okay?”

That was one of the things you loved most about Sebastian: his sense of selflessness. He always prioritized those he cared for over himself.

You recalled one night in particular that he drove across the city in a snowstorm to pick you up after a date ended badly.

_“Hello?” His voice was groggy, and you immediately felt horrible for waking him._

_“Seb?” Your voice was hushed, for fear that if you spoke up, he’d hear the telltale crack in your voice and know you were about to cry._

_“What’s wrong?” he asked, suddenly very alert. “Talk to me, sweetheart. What’s going on?”_

_You sniffled and started to explain._

_It was your first date with this new guy, one that you’d been crushing on for months. He finally asked you out, and you were over the moon. At 22, you’d begun to think more about serious, long-term relationships, and this guy seemed perfect for you. But tonight, you’d found out that he was anything but. The two of you had a nice dinner together and decided to catch a film before going home._

_You weren’t sure what all was playing, so you let him choose something he wanted to see. That was a mistake. Unfortunately for you, he chose The Grudge. You spent half the movie practically in his lap. Needless to say, you weren’t big on jump scares…_

_Following the movie, this guy tried to convince you to come home with him. When you turned him down, he got pretty angry. He started ranting about how much money he’d spent on you that night, and how you at least owed him a blow job for his time. That was enough for you to basically tell him to eat shit, and he indignantly told you to find another ride home. He promptly left, and you remained in the theater lobby, where you then called Sebastian._

_“That son of a bitch,” Seb murmured. “Stay right where you are, I’ll come get you.”_

_You peered out the window, watching the snow fall from the sky. It was unusual to have a storm of this size in October, and that further worried you._

_“No, Seb, don’t. The weather-“_

_“I don’t care about the weather. I’m coming to get you.”_

_And he did. He drove across the city in a snowstorm to be your knight in shining armor. Well, more like knight in sweatpants and a hoodie, but still a knight nonetheless. He refused to leave your side for the rest of the night, even after you fell asleep…_

You shook your head. “You didn’t hurt me.”

Sebastian let out a sigh of relief, and raked a hand through his hair. Another bout of silence settled in, and you returned to drinking your coffee, thinking that as long as you look occupied, he wouldn’t say anything more. Truthfully, you needed the quiet right now. You needed to be able to think without interruption. But as soon as that last drop was gone, Sebastian spoke.

“You’re not up for talking about this right now, are you?” he asked, looking at you though you refused to meet his stare.

“Not really,” you replied softly.

“Would you like me to leave?” To that, you could only nod. It broke your heart to do so, but you couldn’t very well sort through things with him sitting next to you. He stood up, requesting that you give him a few moments to find his things. It only took those few moments, and he was sitting beside you again, pulling on his shoes. Once he finished, you watched him button his shirt and stuff his phone and wallet back into his pockets. His final stop before departure was leaning down far enough to kiss your forehead.

“Don’t stress yourself, drăguţă,” he whispered. “We’ll be okay, I promise.”

And just like that, he was gone.

The second that door closed, you completely crumbled.

God, you were one more cliché from being in a romantic comedy. You fit the type perfectly: a single woman in her 30s, living alone in an apartment in NYC. You work too much for your own good; you parents harp on you about getting married and having children… Oh, and you’re madly in love with your best friend, but won’t tell him.

That’s probably what made this whole thing so hard.

 

*

 

Sebastian was the last person you expected to knock on your door…

Okay, so that’s not quite true. After two weeks of ignoring his texts and calls ( **I miss you. Please talk to me. We need to discuss this** ), you kind of figured his next move would be to come over. That was typical of him. He hated trying to find resolution over the phone, so he would always find a way to do so in person. But still, you were hopeful that he was too busy to drop by.

Early in the evening, however, your pity party featuring a movie and ice cream was interrupted by a sharp succession of knocks.

“Better be the fuckin’ pizza guy,” you grumbled, tossing your blanket aside and getting off the couch. You didn’t bother to check the peep hole before yanking the door open, and you were met head-on with a steely blue stare. Sebastian stood on the other side of the threshold, looking a bit flushed. He didn’t wait to be invited in, but rather entered regardless and kicked the door shut behind him. You were just about to protest when he stopped you, holding a finger up.

“Don’t. If you’re not gonna talk to me, then you’re gonna listen.” You’d seen Sebastian angry plenty of times before, but it had never been directed at you. At least, not to this degree. Your heart dropped into the pit of your stomach. Instead of responding, you bit down on the inside of your lip and looked down.

Almost on cue, Seb tucked his finger under your chin, pulling your head back up.

“I need you to look at me,” he stated plainly, tone still laced with a bit of aggression. Against your better judgment, you did exactly that. His expression softened, and he swallowed hard. Something about how he was looking at you almost broke your heart right then and there. You could see it in his eyes; he almost looked like he was afraid.

Sebastian took a deep breath, exhaling the excess heat in his chest.

“I love you.” _Well, that’s definitely not what you were expecting_. “I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember, and I can’t stand the thought of not being with you. You’re on my mind constantly. When I’m away from you, I can’t stop thinking about you. About how much I miss you or what it’ll be like to be home with you. You’re the one thing I look forward to coming home to, and I hate leaving you because I feel like I’m missing everything…

“I want all the little things with you. All the stupid little things that you don’t think matter, like being your emergency contact at the doctor’s office or having both our names on the household bills. I want to be the one to buy your favorite soup for you when you’re sick, and bring you flowers for no reason, and leave you little notes around the house reminding you just how much I love you. I want to be the man holding you in the middle of the night because you’re cold. I want to be the man who surprises you at work because I know you’ve had a rough week. I want to be the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

“You and I, baby, we’re perfect for each other. I’ve never wanted something so badly in my life, and I don’t think I could live with myself if I didn’t take a chance on telling you the how I feel."

You lost your composure somewhere in the middle of his speech, and the tears wouldn’t stop falling. Both hands covered your mouth, masking your irregular breaths. Your fingers trembled as you reached to rest cradle his jaw. He froze as soon as you touched him, and you were almost certain it was because you hadn’t responded. Honestly, you didn’t know if you could. You didn’t know if your muscles or your mind would allow you to speak. He wrapped his fingers around your wrists, turning his head to press a soft kiss against the heel of your palm. After repeating the same on the other side, he closed his eyes and tilted his head forward, resting his forehead against yours.

“Please say something,” Seb whispered, heated breaths washing over your lips. You closed your eyes, willing yourself to find your words. They perched on the tip of your tongue, but the harder you chased, the faster they’d flee.

After a moment of silence, you opened your eyes, hoping he’d somehow understand by your expression. But Sebastian still hadn’t opened his eyes. He looked pained, and your silence was the cause. You noticed his tears long before you felt his shuddered breath. This was hurting him, and you couldn’t take it anymore.

You leaned forward just a bit more until your lips were barely touching his. There was a brief pause, but you had no doubts. Without another thought, you kissed him. His full, plush lips were even softer than you had imagined. The lower fit perfectly between your lips, and you poured everything into your connection.

Nineteen years worth of repressed emotions flooded out at once. The joy, the anger, the hurt, the sadness, the jealousy, it was all there. It was all on the tip of his tongue, and you swore you’d never forget how sweet it tasted, how sweet _he_ tasted, even with the salt of both your tears and his mixing on your lips.

He released your wrists, giving you the freedom to bury one of your hands in his hair. The other ran down to rest against the smooth plains of his chest. His hands remained conspicuously absent for a moment, but found their place on your back as he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into him until the two of your couldn’t possibly get any closer.

You’d never felt so at ease. There was never any doubt in your mind that you belonged with Sebastian. Doubts about deserving him? Yes. Doubts about him feeling the same? Every day. But you never doubted that you were two halves of the same whole.

Breaking for a breath, Seb panted out, “Please tell me this means you feel the same, because if not, this is really gonna fuckin’ suck.”

You laughed airily, planting another quick peck.

“I love you, Sebastian.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments would be rad. : )
> 
>  
> 
> Harass me on tumblr: @sebeefstianstan


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